Back to Blogging~

I am back to do some personal blogging since I blog for Dolls for Daughters. This blog gives me the chance to update on our life and what we have going on.. Since I blogged in Feb a lot has changed!

Karson turned 2! What a wonderful year he has had. No more meds, no more weekly doctor visits, no more monthly hospital visits. We changed doctors and that made all the difference. Karson is doing great and loving life. He is ALL boy. He loves to play cars, trucks, get into the dirt, play in the water and be with his siblings. He currently is in LOVE with his Daddy. He is all about his Daddy! Karson has started preschool as well. He goes M-F in the mornings. He loves going to school and comes home ready for mac-n-cheese and bed.

Kamden has outgrown his terrible 2.5-3.5 year. Wow it was a long one but he is on the other side and such a joy to be around. He has always been a loving kid but he could have some fits for no reason and it was just old. However now he is turning into such a big boy. He goes to preschool all day now - he choice. Last April he asked why he didn't go to school all day. He wanted to go to school all day and have lunch at school like Bailey does. So his wish was granted and now he goes to school all day except Friday when all the kids go to Grandma's. Kam is playing soccer again this fall and is looking forward to it. He has done it for a year now. He continues to be in love with me, his MOMMY. However he will flirt with any pretty girl he sees.

Bailey is 7! Her favorite color is "laser green" but it is too hard to see. Bailey has had a lot going on since my last blog. She spent the spring playing soccer and loving it. She learned what it is like to play in the rain and cold (I grew up playing in snow). She moved from the co-ed team she had played with since she was 3 to an all girls team. (We sure missed our friends from the co-ed team). Bailey also swam on the swim team all summer at our pool. She was practicing from the very beginning with the older kids for her age group (8 and under). In her first meet she did 4 races and did them well for never doing it before. She finished the year with improved times each meet. This fall she wants to work on her dives off the blocks and her flip turns to use in her longer races. She will continue to play soccer as well. She read at least 25 books over the summer. Some were easy books for her but books she enjoyed. Bailey started 2nd grade and loves school.

I am super busy with Dolls for Daughters and Kenzi's Kidz. My other love. I am so blessed to be doing this work and making a difference because of Kenzi. We finished our first year with our Kenzi's Kidz family and it was amazing! We now are helping two families through that program. We kick off our annual Toy Drive October 1st but not before we have our Bidz 4 Kidz Silent Auction on September 24th. Make it a point to be there- it will be a night to remember.

Kyle and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this July. We have been together for 12 years but married for 5. We spent a few days in Vegas just the two of us and had a great time. Kyle continues to stay super busy at the firm.

Overall life is good! In my spare time I read as much as I can. I have read some amazing books this summer. One I just finished was Heaven is For Real. I thought it was a great book. It touched on personal experiences I had with the loss of Kenzi and my miscarriage the Monday before Kyle and I were married.

Keep checking back, it won't be months before I post again.

The Boys...

Kamden and Karson had their most recent visits with Dr. Tucker. Both are doing great! Kamden decided to intertain Dr. Tucker and by the end of the appointment for the boys he was calling him Dr. Taco. Thank goodness Dr. Tucker is amazing and laughed about it all.

Kamden weighs 30.8 pounds which is in the 40%tile and his length is 37.5" which is in the 55%tile. I have a feeling he isn't going to be the tallest of my children but he will be taller than Mom so that is all that matters!

Karson is doing great! He is off all of his "asthma" meds and is finally growing and eating!. He is getting up there in his weight which is amazing.. He is now 23.5 pounds (20%tile) and his length is 33 and 3/4 inches (85%tile) and his head is 50cm(95%tile) all those brains he has in there! We could not be more happy with his growth.

Both boys are amazing and I love them to death. I love how much they really love playing together and really love each other. I am blessed!

Amazing

There is nothing more amazing than knowing how faith has made a difference in the life of your own child. I know personally how my faith has helped me get through the most difficult times in my life. I am continually amazed at how faith is helping Bailey learn about death and Heaven. It is helping her learn and cope with the loss of Kenzi. It is helping both of us navigate a road we have not taken but have to due to the loss of Kenzi.

Loss is hard on everyone but no one has any idea how hard the loss of a sibling is on a child until you see it first hand. Our family has had to live with the loss and how Bailey has dealt with the loss since I came home without Kenzi. She has been amazing from the very beginning.

Recently Bailey began asking more questions about Kenzi. Was she born with her eyes open? What does born sleeping mean? Did we see her go to Heaven? Is she buried? Very difficult questions to answer. Some I put off until Kyle and I could talk with her together because I knew that would be easier for me. Kyle is much better at "keeping it together" than I am when it comes to Kenzi and our loss. I cry now as I type these words. Bailey asked Kyle some of these questions and he answered. Today was my day to give an answer and I felt like it was a moment that Bailey and I needed to share.

After religion class today Bailey asked me if she could see Kenzi's ashes. I told her yes. I asked her to come into our bedroom and I took down Kenzi's bear urn from our mantel and told her this is where Kenzi's ashes were. She asked me if she could see them and I told her that they were inside and I could not open the box. I told her I kept Kenzi close and up where the pictures of the kids are. Our mantel holds pictures of our children as babies. Bailey gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Wow! Is all I could think of. She is so amazing and way beyond her age when it comes to dealing with the loss of her sister.

When we were both downstairs we talked more about why Kenzi was not in a cemetery but at home with us. I told Bailey that I wanted Kenzi to always be with us no matter where we lived. I explained to her that my father was buried in Casper and I lived here. She got that.

I am amazed by the strength, compassion and love that pours from my amazing 6 year old daughter. I am blessed to have her as my own and I need to never take that for granted. I love you Bailey!

Updates!

Wow it has been so long since I blogged on this blog! So much has happened in the last three months. Time to update on all of the kiddos...

Bailey is doing great! She loves to read and reads at least one book a week at home. Every day after school she reads for at least 20 minutes, if not more, in her room. She is still swimming and doing great. Our plan is to have her swim on the swim team this summer at our pool. Bailey will continue to play soccer this spring as well. It is hard to imagine that Bailey is already 6.5 years old. Where does the time go?

Kenzi's 4th birthday was on January 23rd. It seems like yesterday that we were getting ready to add another little girl to our family. However her journey was not to be with us on Earth but with God. We miss her so much but are so happy that we are able to honor her memory each year. On December 11, 2010 the Dolls for Daughters and Kenzi's Kidz foundation donated move than 4,100 NEW toys to boys and girls in our community at our first annual Toy Shop. We were also able to donate 475 new dolls to local nonprofits. It was an amazing day! Our family celebrated Kenzi's day with Mass dedicated to her, sending balloons and going to lunch. Kenzi is always in our hearts!

Kamden will be 3 tomorrow! Wow! My sweet Momma's boy is getting so big. He is in the "primary" class at school with the 3-5 year olds and loves it. He is into trucks, cars, SpiderMan, anything he can play with he does. He loves his sister and his brother so much. He also misses Kenzi. Yesterday he asked if all of us were coming to his party and then said that Kenzi couldn't come because she was in Heaven. Made me cry. I have such a sweet, loving, amazing boy. Happy Birthday Kam!

Karson is doing GREAT! I could not be more pleased about how he is doing health wise. He has not been in the hospital for over a year! He is almost off ALL of his meds! No more asthma meds at all. I took him to a new doctor who wanted to take him off all his meds to see how he would do and he started to do great. He had to have tubes for the 3rd time in December but they have actually worked this time. His ears have drained when he has had an infection. He is finally eating like an 18 month old and just today took a bottle of milk with no formula. HUGE difference for us. He is also no longer using a bottle. Tomorrow Karson starts preschool in the toddler classroom. It is exciting but sad. I know I will cry tomorrow when all three of my kids are in school.

Life is still very busy for us but I count all of our blessings! I hope to get back to blogging soon too. You can always see what is going on with Dolls for Daughters at http://www.dollsfordaughters.com/.

Sisters Always

There is one thing that will never change in our house and that is the fact that Bailey and Kenzi are sisters. Bailey has known about Kenzi since I was pregnant with her and since Kenzi died. Bailey does not know the "story" of Kenzi and will not until she is much older. However Bailey has a story of her own and it is her story.

Bailey has talked of Kenzi since before she was born. She talked in her little way of the two of them playing and having a sister. As Bailey has gotten older she has talked more about how much she misses Kenzi and how she wishes Kenzi would come back. It took Bailey some time to understand that Kenzi would never come back but just like all of us, she wishes Kenzi would come back. This is by far one of the hardest parts of being a parent to a child on earth and in Heaven. You cannot take away their pain and their grief.

When I first did Dolls for Daughters and told Bailey about it, she wanted to pick a little doll and mail it to Kenzi in heaven. How could I explain to a 3 year old that you cannot get mail in Heaven? I couldn't and didn't. I cried silent tears when Bailey told me this. She wanted Kenzi to have one of "her" dolls. Bailey knew then that Dolls for Daughters was about giving back in memory of her sister.

The past few days Bailey has been talking more about Kenzi. At school they learned about the Day of the Dead and Bailey talked about her drawing a butterfly that was Kenzi. She said she wished that the butterfly would bring Kenzi back to us. Simple, to the point. Bailey wants her sister back. Today on the way home from school, out of the blue, she said she wished Kenzi were here and that she missed her so much. Every time Bailey says this my heart breaks. I cannot make her sister come back and I cannot give her the only thing she seems to really want. What I hope I can do for Bailey is to help her honor Kenzi in Bailey's way. Help Bailey do what Bailey wants to do for her sister each and every year.

Bailey + Kenzi = Sisters

Today Sucked!

When you become a parent no one ever tells you that there will be days when you will cry because you have to hold down your son's legs as someone forces him to drink something he isn't interested in having. No one tells you and the books don't either that it will suck to hold your son down while someone feeds a feeding tube in his nose and down his throat to his stomach. This wonderful event isn't shared in any of the expectant mother's books.

Today was that kind of day for me. Karson had to have another barium swallow study done. The last time Karson had one they determined that he had serious reflux, was a silent refluxer and also aspirated into his airway. Before today I knew he was still having reflux issues and my feelings were confirmed. I worked with Robin and Mike again today who are great. Mike told me that Karson would not like taking the bottle with barium in it and that he was sure he would have to put the tube in Karson's nose.

It was horrible. It was so hard to listen to Karson cry and cry while I held his legs and someone else held his arms above his head. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better. I had to turn my face and let the tears stream down. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I tried to remind myself that I am only trying to make him better and help him but he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I would let someone do this to him for 20 minutes. I still cry thinking about it. It was shitty and hard.

It was also hard to see and hear the results. I could see first hand that Karson still refluxed a lot and I learned that he was refluxing when he was crying which is rare. Most kids do not do that and Karson did. My heart aches for him and what he deals with.

When the first part was over and Karson could sit up in a chair and eat food he was his happy self again. I am so blessed that he is so happy given what he has been through in the last year. And you would think that this would end his horrible day. Nope.. He had to have his first Synagis shots today. He had to have two of them, one in each leg since he is close to 21 pounds. He will have 5 of them this season, one every month. I hope this year he doesn't get RSV.

As a Mom I never dreamed I would walk the paths I have walked since I became a mother. No one ever told me it could be so hard and so scary. However I would not trade Bailey and her weeks in the NICU, I would not trade Kenzi and what she taught me (I would have her back at any moment!), I would not trade Kam who currently my Monster half the time and I would not trade Karson who has been through so much. I love my children more than anything and I am thankful that this is all I deal with. But some days, like today it SUCKS!

Karson Update

We had a great trip to FL the past 11 days and returned home on the 17th. Just in time to get back into the busy life that I have with my kiddos... Karson was still sick with his cough while we were gone so he was back at the doctor on Tuesday. He was already set to see his GI dr and then saw his lung dr. The findings weren't so great.

At his GI apt we learned that he has not gained weight in the past 2 months. This is not good. It all goes back to what he won't eat on a daily basis and that despite the fact that I keep trying new food with him, he won't do much more than fries and fruit. No bread, no chicken nuggets, no stage 3 foods. So Dr. Barrios is not happy about this. He wants to repeat his upper GI with a swallow study before he returns in 4 weeks. He also wants me to limit his formula intake to no more than 24 ounces a day. One of his meds was increased a little to help his stomach digestion. He also said that if we hadn't already started food therapy that he would suggest that. So my goal in the next 4 weeks is to get Karson to try new foods and to get him to gain some weight. He still cannot do dairy or eggs.

At the lung dr she decided to give him an antibiotic because he has been sick so long. She said she heard some noise in his upper right lung but nothing she was concerned enough about to get an X-ray. I have to up his dose on his regular inhalers to two puffs two times a day and then still give him his rescue inhaler as long as he is coughing. He also has a snotty nose and is cutting two teeth.

So Karson is not the happiest baby on the block and neither is his mommy! The good news is that he will get the shot to help safe guard him against RSV. Last year he got the shots and still got RSV but his lung dr said it would have been worse if he hadn't gotten the shot.

I hope and pray for a better winter.