The Breaking Point

I would like to think that every Mom has a point when they "freak out" at their kids or come close to doing so. I am sure that all Moms hope if this happens it is at home where no one can see you. No one can judge you and no one can stare at you.

Well I had my "freak out" moment yesterday at the pool. I had all three kids packed up in the car, two coolers and two bags of pool stuff and clean clothes. We arrived at the pool and there was no place to park. I had to park across the street and figure out a way to get all of this across the street safely. The idea sounds great... no stress...

After Kam and Bailey fighting over the smaller cooler -I asked Bailey to pull it. I figured I needed to get my three kids across the street and then go back for the rest. Bailey pulled the cooler, I held Kam and pushed Karson. Ran back and got the other cooler and bags. Now I needed to get everyone in the door and signed in. This happened with additional stress as Kam continued to fight with Bailey over the cooler.

As we continued to walk in, I had to pull Kam away from the cooler more than once and tell him to leave it alone. Mind you Bailey, who usually has so much going on in her mind to pay attention to where she is walking, runs the cooler into the side of the building and spills my new $3.35 Starbucks Passion Tea Lemonade. Not a happy Mommy this makes. I "freak out" at both of them. The stress of the day and PMS don't mix well together.

I take Kam by the arm as he cries at me and tell Bailey to pay attention. She tells me it was an accident and it sure was. They happen all the time. It kills the perfectionism in me but they do happen all the time in life. We make it to an area and I want to cry and have a beer.

I want to cry because I am the Mother I never wanted to be. I always wanted to be the Mother who let things go and didn't "freak out" but I have begun to realize I am not that Mother. I expect too much from my children at the ages of 6 and 2.5, I want things to be perfect 100% of the time because that is how I have lived my life. I don't like to fail at anything. But life is not perfect and neither am I.

How do I go back and change yesterday afternoon to not be that Mother. I don't, I have to move forward and hope that the next time I just let it go. I hope next time I say to Bailey that I understand accidents happen and it is okay. I hope that I just pick Kam up and tell him he can pull the cooler next time.

I hope that I find the inner peace and calm that I am searching for and that I no longer allow the stress of life to creep into the time with my children. I only have three of them here and I need to remember in those times when I want to "freak out" that I have lost one of my children and I am blessed to have the three here that I do.

I am sorry Bailey and Kam. I love you more than you will ever know.